


Where you don't see me

by lovelytrixya



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Business Woman Katya, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, I promise there's fluff, Model Trixie, One-Shot, idk what tags i should add, the angst is kinda heavy imo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:20:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28048353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelytrixya/pseuds/lovelytrixya
Summary: It's been 2 years ever since Trixie has gotten a single drop of attention from Katya and she's getting sick of it so she performs a song that she knows Katya will finally listen to.[Listen to Francis Forever by Mitski first for full-effect]
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	Where you don't see me

**Author's Note:**

> I worked hard for this story and I hope you like it!~♪

"Katya!" Trixie squeals excitedly at the sight of her girlfriend. She hugs her tightly and presses a sweet kiss to her cheek. "Hi, baby. Can you please let go of me? I need to finish this call" Katya lightly taps Trixie's arm around her. 

Trixie hesitatingly let go and steps back. She stand there with her head down like a child for 5 minutes until Katya finally ends the call. "So, why did you see me here for?" Katya tilts her head slightly for a second before attending the papers in front of her. "Huh? Why do I need a reason to see my girlfriend?" Trixie asked genuinely confused by Katya's slight tone of annoyance. "Well, I'm busy right now. I might also be home a bit later today so no need to wait for me" Katya dismisses Trixie, not raising her head from the papers. "O-oh, okay" Trixie says timidly.

Trixie walks home with her shoulders sunk and head looking up to the beautiful sky. The deep black wasn't full of stars, there were only two—the only ones in the sky and yet they were so far away. The bright in the dark yet they weren't together enough to light up the overpowering dark. She brought her head back down to turn into the front door of their home. She took the keys out of her pocket, she looked at it for too long. Analyzing the bunny keychain that was there, gifted to her from Katya years ago. She remembered the wide smile and bright teeth that beamed from Katya when she thanked her. It's been 4 years that they've been together but never once in the last 2 years has she seen that beautiful smile she loves. She never once questioned the gradual change in their relationship, she's scared that if she mentions it—everything will crumble to fine dust. 

She finally cut her attention to the door again. As she inserts the key, she hears clicks sliding in to the key's gaps. Each click does something to her heart. One makes it stop for a millisecond, another one creates a crack in it, the last one exhausts everything in her. She drags herself to bed not even caring if her shoes got thrown into the trash, she just wants to disconnect from the world even if it's just for a couple of hours.

As soon as her body hits the cold sheets, her throat bobs a lump and her eyes blur. She's tearing up, she doesn't know why but she also knows why. The bed feels empty, incomplete, spacious. Not a hint of warmth, only the cold biting into her skin. She curls up to the farthest part of the bed, not wanting the emptiness to eat her up. Her tears are spilling, being printed on the bed. The slightest of blinks creates a bulb of water drop and break onto the soft bed. No noises was breaking the silence, not even her crying.

Only silent tears.

* * *

She doesn't know when she fell asleep. She only sees the irritating sunshine seeping into her closed eyes and an alarm blaring around the room. She turns it off with a stretch and groan. The bed has a faint warm spot to the side, she cuddles into it—wanting to warm up her cold-bitten skin. It was only a couple of seconds before the warmth shifts into her own so she gets up to get ready for work. She should be happy today, it was the day of a featured photoshoot with Vogue. They wanted Trixie to be the main star of it all. She was finally getting attention from a huge company and yet she felt empty. The only thing she's excited for is performing in a bar that was far from any place that Trixie might get recognized by friends. It was the only time that Katya would attend for Trixie. She only watches her for one song though and leaves without a single goodbye. She begged for Katya to attend her weekly performances and Katya finally accepted it but she only accepted it after Trixie bargained her to stay even for one song. Of course, Katya was annoyed by the fact that Trixie picked a bar that was far away but Trixie pushed it and Katya wanted to end the ridiculous conversation anyway so she agreed.

She brushes her freshly washed hair and pats her face with multiple products. She wore simple leggings and a blue crop top sweater with some brandless shoes. She also packs up some extra clothes into a backpack and makes her way to the kitchen.

All that was there was a single plate in the sink and nothing else. She was expecting this. Expecting that Katya would just cook for herself and leave without a trace. And her expectation was right, nothing greeted her. She opens the fridge seeing an egg missing from the shop-trip she went to last week. 

She reaches into the side for a single apple and finishes it before leaving. She knows she's always early so she takes her time getting an Uber. The driver asked if she wanted to chat or not and she kindly refused. Luckily, the driver respected that and wasn't even creepy at all.

Her struts were long and emitted a business aura all around when she entered the studio. All of the attention was now onto her and she was escorted to a seat to get her hair and makeup done. "Hey, hun! Excited for today's photoshoot?" the director asked her with a bubbly tone. "Of course, this is Vogue we're talking about" she replied as best as she could while a person swiped lipstick onto her plump lips. "Well, today I expect for you to have your A-game up but that should be easy for you. You're gonna be a popular model now too! Every agency is gonna want you after Vogue releases the magazine with your face on the cover!" the director claps their hands together with a beaming smile that Trixie reciprocates although she might be happier if that smile that beamed at her were Katya's.

Trixie was trusted enough by the director to pick an outfit for herself with the selection that was set up for her. She picked an intricate suit with carefully placed chains of gold on the front and shoulders. She paired it with high-quality white heels. She felt like Katya in the suit, wanting to be cold to assistants and dismissing people without reason. Of course, she won't actually do that instead she just complimented herself in the mirror and stepped into the the perfectly-lit side of the room. The photographer and director were visibly waiting for Trixie and spoke up "Hey, sweet. Wanna start now?" "Yep" she extended up a thumbs-up. 

She gracefully and delicately showed her body to the camera and her hands was part of the fluidity of her poses. Her expressions were changing every second and every single one matched a pose. Compliments were being showered by everyone—even assistants—with every pose she does. "Okay, cupcake. I think you need to switch clothes now, we still need to keep a theme though. I trust you to continue the aura you created with that suit" the director instructed Trixie. She nodded and made her way to the rack of clothes while taking off her heels and putting it back where she got it.

* * *

It was night time when they finished the photoshoot. She checked the time and it was 10:05PM. She didn't have enough energy to go to the bar and perform 3 songs as usual but there was enough energy in her to sing one song and you better fucking dare that she will take that one song even though she's exhausted from the photoshoot. She loves singing but the fact that Katya might listen to her with that one song is accelerating.

 _Wait, why should I adjust myself to get her attention? It should be given to me without question_ , she thought and anger fumed through her veins spilling out onto the floor. She had enough of this bullshit from Katya and she wants it to end tonight. She isn't going to break up with her; rather, she'll make Katya listen to her for once.

She realized that she might have enough impact on Katya with a single song because she is sick of prioritizing Katya's attention than her work and her love for singing. Her panic was starting to rise at the realization that she can only pick one song today. She needs to stop this one-sided chase tonight or she might go crazy.

She rushes to order an Uber and her brain is panicking on what song she should sing so that Katya can finally look at her and listen to her. Every pore in her body is disgustingly sweating because of her panicking state and she almost forgot to change clothes. She is not performing a song with some skimpy clothes especially in front of Katya. Luckily, she packed multiple clothes so she had a selection. She checked her phone and the Uber should be there in 10 minutes so she dashed to the bathroom to the outside of the building. The floors were disgusting and the mirrors were cracked but she didn't care, she needed to do this tonight. She opened her backpack and silently cursed past Trixie for reaching for a handful of clothes without looking at it. None of the clothes matched with each other and there were a sea of leggings and a single shirt. The panic in her was increasing and she dug and dug and dug until finally she felt a fabric that was different from the leggings. She pulled it out and it was a black and white dress. It was yet another gift from Katya years ago. She ordered a custom-made dress just for her. She didn't say when Trixie can wear it and said it was for her to choose when and where. Well, today marks the day she's going to wear the dress for the second time ever since their two-year anniversary. 

She looked at herself in the cracked mirror and fixed her hair. She finally declared that she looked good enough and she checked her phone. Her Uber had just arrived and she exited the horrible bathroom. She saw the car and silently walked to it. "Kim?" Trixie asked the driver "Yep, are you Trixie?" the driver said back. "Yeah" Trixie replied and sat down at the back. "Where are you going looking that fancy?" Kim asked with genuine interest. She was surprised by it but replied anyways "I'm gonna perform some songs at the bar" she smiled faintly. "Yeah, I saw the bar you wanted to go to but why that far? It's a 15 minute drive from the city" Kim asked with a slight glance to the mirror to briefly look at Trixie. "Well, I kinda wanted to have a safe haven for me and I feel at home in that specific bar" Trixie places an arm at the door to lean on and look out the window. "And has that been good for you?" Kim once again availed another question "It's been okay, I can be free enough to pick my own songs so that's great" Trixie replies swiftly wanting to end the conversation knowing where it'll lead to. "But why that fancy of a dress though? The bar isn't even that well-known" Kim asks the question Trixie was so desperately trying to avoid. She was digging into her brain, trying to find another reason to wear this dress except for the fact she wore it for Katya. "Umm, I...I just wanted to feel good while singing" Trixie slightly shrunk into her seat. Kim detected the slight change of aura so she didn't push any further and didn't ask anymore questions.

  
_Holy shit_ , she thought as she realized she still hasn't picked a song. It was 12 minutes to the drive so that means she had 3 minutes to pick a song since 10:30 was the scheduled time for her. She opened her phone, desperately scrolling through her music to find the perfect song but even before she could pick one, the car has stopped. "We're here" Kim announced. Trixie got out the car and immediately rated 5-stars for Kim. She rushed to the bar with panic and luckily she was right on time. The owner walked up to her and escorted her to the wings of the stage. "What song do you want tonight?" the owner asked. Trixie scanned the bar for Katya and finally spotted a woman in a red suit with a laptop open. She was alone and it looked like no one wanted to approach because who the fuck would bring a laptop to a bar. Katya really looked out of place. That was a given though, Katya only cared about work not caring about the environment she's in, no matter how out of place she is—she neglects everything even her girlfriend.

Trixie's brain clicked and she finally knew what song she wanted. "I want Francis Forever today" Trixie jogged to the stage. "By Mitski!" She yelled whilst making her way to the center. 

She grabbed the mic and smiled with ease. "Hi, everyone. Unfortunately, I only have the energy for one song tonight" Trixie announced and there were sounds of sadness and disapproval throughout the bar. She knew she was a favorite in the bar and that's also another reason why she loves this place. "I'm sorry, guys. Work was intense today but I hope you still like this song." She continued to say. "Katya" Trixie firmly said to the mic before the music cued in. Katya snapped her attention to her with an emotionless face. She knew right then and there that she's going to get the Katya she loves back.

Music flooded the bar and she started to sing at the song's cue.

_I don't know what to do without you_  
_I don't know where to put my hands_  
_I've been trying to lay my head down_  
_But I'm writing this at 3am_

_I don't need the world to see_  
_That I've been the best I can be, but_  
_I don't think I could stand to be_  
_Where you don't see me_

_On sunny days I go out walking_  
_I end up on a tree-lined street_  
_I look up at the gaps of sunlight_  
_I miss you more than anything_

_I don't need the world to see_  
_That I've been the best I can be, but_  
_I don't think I could stand to be_  
_Where you don't see me_

_And autumn comes when you're not yet done_  
_With the summer passing by, but_  
_I don't think I could stand to be_  
_Where you don't see me_

She didn't realize the tears in her eyes until she finished the song. They were spilling out like crazy, uncontrollably, recklessly. The loudness of the claps and screams of cheering at her was silenced once she locked eyes with the woman in the red suit. After years of neglect, she finally saw Katya eye to eye. The blue and green swirls in her eyes was standing out more than the lights beaming at her. They were glossy like water in the sunshine and it was puncturing right through her soul. She blinked once and walked off stage breaking their eye-contact. She made a b-line to the performer's break room of the bar. 

The moment she looked at herself from the mirror, she knew that she looked pathetic. The tears were spilling but she needed to talk to Katya, she needed to. She opened the door and as if by fate, Katya was running around the bar and dodging people with a panicked look, she looked like she was searching for something. Her eyes were blood-shot and it looked like diamond shards were dropping from them. Katya turned around away from her and she was still searching, she took that chance to sprint to Katya and gave her a back-hug and all the tears that were crashing down earlier somehow stopped immediately but the emotions that she feels are strong. It felt nostalgic and she hated that it was nostalgic not satisfying. She shouldn't have to miss their old state of relationship. 

"Trix?" Katya asked brokenly. Trixie only replied with a choke of a sob, there was no tears spilling out but she felt like bricks were dropping down to her feet. Katya lightly tapped her arms around her and another nostalgic flood came through her from the times Katya dismissed her and she tightened her grip around Katya. "Don't" Trixie mumbled. "I don't want to let you go" she continued. "I want to hug you back, please. Let me, please" Katya begged and Trixie complied. They both didn't care if they made a scene in the middle of the bar, everyone was too drunk to comprehend anything anyway. Luckily, they both didn't drink any alcohol so they can remember this. There wasn't wails of tears, all there was a silent hug and yet it meant so much. "Fuck, I'm so sorry. The promotion I got needed me to put all my attention into it. I swear to you that this was never my intention. I silenced everything that I thought was background noise and in the process, I started to slowly turn down your volume in my brain and heart. I should've talked to you everytime you waited for me on the couch when I come back home late and even the times we go home together, I should've gave you my attention. Trixie, I'm so fucking sorry like truly and wholeheartedly. Nothing should be more important than you in my life and I wish I could've realized this sooner before I built a wall between us. You are an amazing person to have waited this long for me to finally notice you. I promise you with my everything that I will love you and support you more than anything in the world starting this second. Я люблю тебя, девочка моя." Katya mumbled into her shoulder and tightened her grip around Trixie's waist. Trixie pushed back Katya's head from her shoulder and cradled her love's face with both hands. "Я тоже тебя люблю" Trixie whispered and she connected their lips. Everything dissolved around them and they felt like they were the only ones in the world. Their hearts melded into one and delicate breaths were the only thing they hear. 

They finally pull away to properly see each other. "Holy shit, we literally made a movie scene in the middle of a bar with drunk people everywhere" Trixie joked lightly and both of them giggled. Once again, the silence between them returned but the tension was non-existent. It was a comfortable silence between them when they left the bar with hands threaded together.

"You wore the dress I gifted you" Katya commented whilst she scans the dress. They were on their way to their house on foot, it was unspoken that they both wanted to have a walk after this whole drama. Of course, it's going to be a long one but time flies when you're with the most important person to you. "Yeah, I wore it for you." Trixie looked down at their hands. Their hands were swinging like a pendulum and it was clear that both of them were happy. Together.

* * *

"That's my girlfriend, everyone!" Katya loudly announced to the entire store when she saw Trixie's face on the Vogue magazine. "Katya! Shh! You don't have to announce it to the world!" Trixie scream-whispered and silently apologized to the people that was glaring at them. "Yes, I have to! You're on Vogue, котенок! Vogue!" Katya squishes Trixie's cheeks together and plants a short kiss into her lips. The smile Trixie loves was back on Katya's perfect face and she mirrored the toothy smile that Katya beamed and they both looked at the cover again with their smiles never wavering. 

Trixie can finally enjoy everything she loves now that she knows that Katya finally sees her and is beside her with every step she plants onto her path. She never wants this love that she has for Katya to disappear. Never.

**Author's Note:**

> •~Translations~•
> 
> Я люблю тебя, девочка моя → I love you, my baby
> 
> Я тоже тебя люблю → I love you too
> 
> Котенок → Kitten
> 
> (If I had any mistake on the translations or the Russian itself or any mistake at all, PLEASE inform me so I can correct it)


End file.
